Ruined?....

I don't understand and maybe some one can help me. If they are good memories than why do I want to forget them.
They are the random thoughts that seep through thte cracks of the wall I put up to block out my recent past. I know it doesn't sound healthy. And it probably isn't.
But it seems all fives senses are held hostage. Even afer a year.
We spent most of our time together in CA. But RI was our home. So coming back to this great big little state has been anything but easy. So many triggers from all around. I feel helpless to stop them. I can't go a day with out her penetrating my brain. She haunts my inner vision. But they are happy memories. Why is that what hurts the most....
Because everytime I let the happy ones in, I am reminded that I will never feel that way again. It makes me feel like a failure.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I will never feel happy again. Because that would be proposturous. For me feelings are very unique to each individual. On many levels. The same love I felt for her I could never feel for anyone else.
So how long is she gonna ruin my memories before I can accept her to be in them. Because I don't want to live a life of regret....

two cents....

11 days!!!
The rain has hindered my plans today. Suppose to be working, but its too wet. Instead I wake late. From a dream about my house. Maybe I should call and make sure everything is ok. Then again, there was a woman that loved me and wanted to be with me. Wish I could call her and make sure everything is ok. Definately a dream. It felt good feeling that way again. Its sad, I know, when someone who is as young as myself, has to complain about love. What do I know of loss, pain, anger, and sorrow. What gives me the right to speak the blues. But if it was happiness that I spoke of, is that ok. Or again, am I too young to know what real happiness is suppose to feel like. I say young, but I guess I mean inexperienced. Who cares, details...
I go over it all in my head, like a movie on fast forward. The sun comes up and the sun goes down. But at the end of the day, she was happy and in love. And so was I. But somwhere towards the end of the montage, the flame that burned so brite and made everything seem so clear, now just flickers and leaves nothing but shadows and undecernable truths. And then in what feels like an instant, darkness. Cold shoulders, unexplainable mood swings, lack of desire, lack of intrest,...I am pathetic, I am a loser, I am a failure. I have been traveling along this highway of bliss and I missed all the street signs. Maybe my radio was to loud to hear the sirens. But it was a great song....

Good bye to an old friend....

We first met 17 years ago and you were right by my side ever since. Through many of good times and bad. You helped console in those dark and sad days and I turned to you for relief. From stress, anxiety, and frustration to name a few. You were there everyday and didn't judge. The one constant in my life when everything seemed turned upside down.
But all things can't last forever. And it was time I said good bye. Sorry, but I don' t need you anymore. This relationship we have just isn't working for me. It isn't gonna be easy to give you up, but I am gonna stay strong with my convicton and beat this addiction.
6 Days smoke free!.....