annual?

It appears that the last time I wrote a blog was almost a year ago. And in reading it, and remembering how '08 began, i don't feel like i full filled my mission statement.

'08 was a bad year with a few breaks along the way.

I just can't seem to have both. That balanced state of prosperous and happy new year.

In the one hand I hold my career and my professional goals and aspirations. As an independent and small business partner i struggle everyday to earn that elusive paycheck to maintain and sustain. Its not the easy path by far. In 08, I worked all year long. On essentially one project (which anyone in the field knows that isn't necessarily a good thing) but all year long. It feels good to work. I love what I do. But as a small business, we are making mistakes and learning. That's just the way it goes. In 08, we made some mistakes. Coupled with delays and complications it was a frustrating year for us, professionally. And to know we do great work. To do great work. Be told we do great work. Doesn't remove the fact that we as a business are not doing well.

We have a lot to learn about what happened in 2008.

Then there is the other hand. Dragging a half built box that's falling apart every step along the way. And I am wondering how as a carpenter I can not seem to build a decent box. In '08, I remained open to opportunities. Forget a shape hole, I am going to leave the top off all together. Then it occurred to me. Its not the quality of the box that's causing it to fall apart. Life is a bumpy road. And the simple fact of the matter is that as long as I have one hand holding my career, I can not pick that box up and stop it from breaking as it is being dragged over every bump along that road.

So in keeping with the same spirit as in 2008, I am going to modify my box again. Because that's all I can do. I need to love and be loved like every one else. And I can't let go of my professional path. My career. We all need to love also what it is that we do that puts food in our stomachs and a roof over our heads. I couldn't imagine being this uncertain, down if you will, about my personal life if I had to go to a job every day that I hated, every day.

So it's back to the engineers table. Pulling out those blueprints and I am gonna see if can't make this a better box...so look out '09, maybe i will add some wheels. :-)

empty feeling

So far my life has been full of ups and downs. Love and loss. And recently it has been no different. My relationship of two years has come to an end. Leaving me with this empty feeling. What did I do wrong. Could I have done something different to avoid the ultimate outcome. But as the days pass it becomes more clear that the empty feeling was there even before the end. Sometimes you try so hard to hold on to something that just wasn't right. Its like you have a box with a round hole in it. And you want to fill that empty box . Then you meet a square. And you wish you had a square opening. So you keep trying to put that square into the round hole. If you keep trying hard enough and long enough and the edges of the square become worn and jaded. Until eventually it fits but its no longer the shape that you started with. And in the end you have only made it harder on yourself to let go because once inside, the shape moves and turns and then its not so easy to get it back out. In the most extreme situations you have to break that box to get it out. But now you have to build a new box.

Well that's where I am right now. I am building a new box. But this time I don't know what shape hole to make, Because what good is a box if you don't fill it up.

Did you miss me?....

Hello all. After being taken back that people actually read my blogs, the pressure to write something has been looming. Its like instant writers block. Its easy to rant when no one is paying attention. But as soon as someone other than your good friend comments..None the less, here I am. Because life is a state of mind. And I am determined to become the head of my state.

Off subject, I obviously found some time to be able to sit down and put some thoughts out there.
Things are still real busy but its the holidays and its not all about work anymore for me. Don't get me wrong, when I am working a project, there is no slow lane. Its go, go, go until its done. But come on, life is to short to not ateast stop for a holiday.

What else....umm....Yeah, my life is boring. Seems exciting to the untrained eye, but really its not. I am just a normal guy trying to get by just like everyone else. I just chose to take a path with a different set of bumps than maybe yours.

Anyway, you may have noticed that I barely mentioned the holiday. Not that I was avoiding it. I certainly have alot to be thankful for. I just wanted to get a few other things out of the way first before it turned into a stereotypical Holiday greeting.

So here we go. Today, like most, I am celebrating a holiday of giving thanks. Another year has passed and I have been blessed to still be here with everyone, physically and spiritually. Which leads me to things I am thankful for. Today I am givnig thanks for having a great family, immediate and extended. With out them everything else I am thankful for would not be possible.
I give thanks for my home. Even though at times I complain that its hard to maintian a warm safe place to live, I am blessed that i have one while others are not as fortunate.
I am also thankful for the ability to maintain. No matter how hard it seems atleast I am healthy, enough, to keep things going day in and day out. Which leads me to an off shoot of that. Along the same principle as the state of mind, I have quit smoking. It was hard to find that state of mind to put the cancer sticks out for good, but I did. Its only been about two months but I am not going back. No way. So I want to give thanks to everyone who has taken notice and has been super supportive. With you guys behind me, it seems easier everyday.

I could keep going. There are a million things to be thankful for. But I think everyone knows that. Cause we all as a people have alot to be thankful for and we should never forget that.
Happy holidays everyone. And when its over, don't loose that feeling. We should all be thankful everyday. If not for any other reason that you got out of bed. Because there are alot of peole who won't.

Keep smiling everyone!
Mike

Time managment...

I know I haven't written anything in a while and I am not gonna now. Time has not been my friend lately. And certain things are getting neglected. But I do appreciate all the comments and will respond, just not tonight....much love...

Ruined?....

I don't understand and maybe some one can help me. If they are good memories than why do I want to forget them.
They are the random thoughts that seep through thte cracks of the wall I put up to block out my recent past. I know it doesn't sound healthy. And it probably isn't.
But it seems all fives senses are held hostage. Even afer a year.
We spent most of our time together in CA. But RI was our home. So coming back to this great big little state has been anything but easy. So many triggers from all around. I feel helpless to stop them. I can't go a day with out her penetrating my brain. She haunts my inner vision. But they are happy memories. Why is that what hurts the most....
Because everytime I let the happy ones in, I am reminded that I will never feel that way again. It makes me feel like a failure.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I will never feel happy again. Because that would be proposturous. For me feelings are very unique to each individual. On many levels. The same love I felt for her I could never feel for anyone else.
So how long is she gonna ruin my memories before I can accept her to be in them. Because I don't want to live a life of regret....

two cents....

11 days!!!
The rain has hindered my plans today. Suppose to be working, but its too wet. Instead I wake late. From a dream about my house. Maybe I should call and make sure everything is ok. Then again, there was a woman that loved me and wanted to be with me. Wish I could call her and make sure everything is ok. Definately a dream. It felt good feeling that way again. Its sad, I know, when someone who is as young as myself, has to complain about love. What do I know of loss, pain, anger, and sorrow. What gives me the right to speak the blues. But if it was happiness that I spoke of, is that ok. Or again, am I too young to know what real happiness is suppose to feel like. I say young, but I guess I mean inexperienced. Who cares, details...
I go over it all in my head, like a movie on fast forward. The sun comes up and the sun goes down. But at the end of the day, she was happy and in love. And so was I. But somwhere towards the end of the montage, the flame that burned so brite and made everything seem so clear, now just flickers and leaves nothing but shadows and undecernable truths. And then in what feels like an instant, darkness. Cold shoulders, unexplainable mood swings, lack of desire, lack of intrest,...I am pathetic, I am a loser, I am a failure. I have been traveling along this highway of bliss and I missed all the street signs. Maybe my radio was to loud to hear the sirens. But it was a great song....

Good bye to an old friend....

We first met 17 years ago and you were right by my side ever since. Through many of good times and bad. You helped console in those dark and sad days and I turned to you for relief. From stress, anxiety, and frustration to name a few. You were there everyday and didn't judge. The one constant in my life when everything seemed turned upside down.
But all things can't last forever. And it was time I said good bye. Sorry, but I don' t need you anymore. This relationship we have just isn't working for me. It isn't gonna be easy to give you up, but I am gonna stay strong with my convicton and beat this addiction.
6 Days smoke free!.....