Yet another post...

After reading a friends(yah you) post I got to thinking. This whole blog thing is like group therapy. I sit on my couch and talk to who ever cares to read. I guess hoping that peoples comments will help me to understand. But why do I not tell anyone about my site. Probably because I really don't want to understand. Becasue just maybe I might find out why. Then life would be or, more realistically, could be "happily ever after". And who wants that..hmm..

I still think of her everyday...
And I still don't know what it means...
I have thought of her everday for the last 13 years,
You would think I would know why by now.
I guess it could be one of a couple of reasons
Either I am in love with her or I just love her.
Friends are friends and sorry, but I don't think of even my best friend everyday.
Or do I...I have been in love and lost.
And I don't know if I can go through that again.

Menawhile back in hazard county, lifes goes on
and that daisy duke called me back...

I realized today that I have reached a goal.
Actually, one of the biggest goals I have ever set out to achieve.
I am a small buisness owner,
own my home that doubles as an investment property,
and all on the "right" coast.
I set these goals with my now exwife,
she was suppose to be here.
That was the plan.
Needless to say, my goals didn't change and hers did.
I don't know if I should thank her
Beacuse I would never have gotten here with her,
or with out her.........

Contemplation....

I think of her everyday...
But I don't know what it means.
Words can not describe how she makes me feel
Could it be, the woman of my dreams.
No...This concept, to me, does not truely exist.
That would assume there was "the one" out there.
So what about, "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
Could there be more than one.
Or was it really love.
If ignorance is bliss, than why am I not happy.
I know nothing of what true love is.
I will tell you what I know....

Standing up and falling apart
Erupting doubt and remorse in a shell of confidence
Reflection is not allowed.
Ignorance is smooth when allowed to breathe
Show your pain only when your not lookng
Feed it with loss
And misery will follow

Hope everyone has a great day.....

Culture, down east....

I went to the Ansel Adams exhibit here in Bangor yesterday. I have driven by the museum so many times and each time noted that I should go check it out. So I invited my new friend Beth to go check it out with me. She is really cool and I hope to get to know her better. Anyway, lookng at this collecton of photos was, in my opinion, pretty cool. He was an absolutely amazing photographer. He really knew how to envoke emotion and create a sense of realisim through a simple photograph. Whoever is reading this, if you haven't seen many of his pics and you get the opportunity too, I would do so....

must be something in the air...

I recieved a short letter(Actually, it was more like a nice postcard) from an old girlfriend the other day. We're talking high school. Yeah. That old. It was sent a month ago almost to my folks address, since that was the only address she had for me. She said basically she had been thinking of me and was wondering how things are for me. Things did not end so well between us. She broke my heart so long ago. Silly huh. Like I knew what a broken heart was back then. I held a grudge for a long time until I simply forgot why. Many many years passed and now this. But I won't say that it was completely out of the blue. I, for reasons I won't get into, was actually thinking of her a couple of months ago. Curiously pondering the same question... What has she been up too? (I think we all have done that at some point or another. Don't lie, I know you have. ) But is it possible that just thinking of someone could conjur up something in the air that has been lingering around for all these years. Showing itself in a form of a dream. I think I am gonna call her....

good feeling, good sign...

For the last few days I have been riding this high but trying not to show it. Finally things are looking better and I don't want to say something too loud and screw it all up. As if by doing so, some supersticios god will take away the reward for all the hard work and struggle I have done. The hell with that. I have made some serious life changes in the last year that were very difficult to make and continue to be a large point of stress in my life. But I am walking the crooked road with patience and a destination.

She called me back tonight. Left a message on my answering machine. I was hoping that she would call and honestly, part of me wasn't sure if she would. We seemed to hit it off that one time. But my somewhat pieced back together self-esteem isn't what it once use to be.
While listening to the message I felt a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. It started low in my gut, bouncing around, and intensified until it felt like they were gonna fly right out of the top of my head...
So for those of you who are still with me, there a million ways to describe this feeling in words. But this feeling, a good feeling, shouldn't be so hard to find......

Monday?...tuesday?....

Whats the difference anymore. To me all the days are the same. Everyday is a work day. Come on who hasn't heard the phrase, life is too short. We are meerly an inhale for something so big we can't even explain it. And as time ticks by, one day I am gonna ask myself did I make the most of everyday. God I hope so.
I know not all of that work is gonna make me money but maybe I might be happy regardless.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is, if life has something to offfer, I might just consider. Who knows I might just feel better when I close my eyes.......